wordswordswords:

Smile.

The other day I took the bus downtown so I could walk to the Amtrak Station to get my tickets to come home for spring break. This isn’t an unusual thing for me to do… I’ve been to the Amtrak Station a dozen times in my short amount of time here, and I’ve certainly experienced the “best” of Downtown Eugene. By best, I mean the homeless, who can be rather erratic at times, so it’s always good to be on guard. I never feel unsafe by any means when I’m downtown alone, I guess I forgot to mention that I was alone, which I’m sure if you were my mom, you would be slightly concerned for my well being. But it’s really okay.

So I got off the bus, and I start walking toward Willamette Street, and I saw this man kneeling on the ground. He was clearly not the most well kept man in the world, and I would bet that he was homeless. Normally, I try not to make eye contact, so I don’t have to answer the “Do you have any spare change?” question, because usually I do, but it’s just not accessible, and I’m not one to give into the whole “I’m mostly likely going to use this spare change to get drugs or alcohol” deal.

I accidentally made eye contact with this man, and naturally, I just smiled. There was nothing else I felt like I could do except smile and say hello as I kept walking. I didn’t really expect him to say anything back, except maybe “Do you have any spare change?” or even just a simple “Hello.” but what I didn’t expect is for him to say just two words, that initially, I didn’t understand what he meant by them. And as I continued to walk, I kept pondering what he had said…

The words he said to me, after I merely smiled and said “hi” were simple.
He said “thank you.” and smiled back at me.

There was this disconnect in my brain about why he would say thank you to me, when all I did was smile. I just couldn’t figure it out. I mean, I guess smiling is a nice thing to do. It’s nice to give someone a smile in passing, makes you seem friendly.
I assumed I would never see the man again when I came back. I figured he would’ve gotten on a bus and left.

When I came back to the bus station, I realized he was still there. Except now, he was sitting, with a small container in front of him for change. He recognized me again and said, “Oh! It’s the girl who smiled at me earlier! Glad to see you still have a smile on your face!” as I smiled bigger and dropped about a dollar in coins in his little tin. Normally, I wouldn’t entertain a conversation with a complete homeless stranger on the street. But I decided to ask him a simple question, “Why did you thank me earlier?”

To which he replied, simply and sensibly,
“Because you acknowledged me. Most people don’t even look. But you looked, and you smiled. That was kind of you. Keep smiling for the rest of the day!”

I told him I would. And I did. It was hard not to after such a simple thing like that could happen.

I guess I learned a lot of things that day. Simple things. That in the complex world that I create for myself at times don’t make sense. But when someone strips it all down, it does make sense. Simple things make sense. And simple things matter.

So I encourage you to smile at everyone. The people who you see everyday. The people who you Love. The people who piss you off. The people that the rest of the world might not see. It’s worth your while… for yourself… and for them. 

Worth.

It’s been a long time since I’ve written. And I think a lot of it has to do with so many things weighing on my heart at once… some of those things are incredible, but others are burdens… things I can’t let go of. I still can’t let go of.

Most days, I try not to think about the things I can’t let go of… I make an off-handed comment about them, or extreme sarcasm… I’m really good at laughing about things too. Those who know me think I’m just being facetious… and those who know me the best know that I’m hurt. I’m broken.

Brokenness is something I think I’ve lived with for a long time… I’m always whole. and I’m always in my right mind. I don’t want this to sound like my final words. I’m definitely living life to the fullest…
But when I think about relationships I’ve had with people, I feel broken. I feel like I’ve been in two places, both places I don’t want to be…
I’ve found myself being the friend. The one who cares unconditionally, who Loves way too hard, and gets dropped like a rock in the end…
And I’ve found myself being the jerk. Who doesn’t give someone the time of day. Who is ultrasensitive, who doesn’t listen, who couldn’t care more.

And I don’t like being either person.

Recently, I’ve struggled with the idea of being worthy of something better than that. That someone could consider me better than that. Despite my past and the things I’ve done and the things that have been done to me. That someone out there Loves me for who I am today. That they have fully invested their heart in me, that they want me. They want me all the time. They care about my thoughts and feelings. They want me to be happy. They want to Love me and they want me to Love them back.
I struggle with the fact… that they Love me the way I’ve always wanted to be Loved. And that I Love them the way I’ve always wanted to Love others.
I don’t feel worthy of it. but everything in the end screams that I am.

I don’t know how I got here.
But I’m not going to ask questions.
I’m just blessed to be here. (:

Love is…

Love is laying in the same place together, for 9 and a half hours…
Love is telling each other everything… 
Love is trying to figure out why the other person told you to shut up a few days ago…
Love is being able to give each other a hard time… that results in being told to shut up…
Love is smiling for no reason at all…
Love is laughing at everything… and nothing at all…
Love is that headache you get from smiling too much…
Love is holding each other close, and not saying a word…
Love is holding each other close and saying all the right words…
Love is looking into their eyes and getting lost…
Love is finding your way back by the sound of their voice…
Love is that shiver you get when you hold each other tighter…
Love is forgetting how you ended up in each others lives…
Love is wanting to do the same thing over… and over…
Love is willing to go back through all the pain and struggles, if the promise on the other side is being with the one who gets you best…

These are the ways I saw Love tonight… (: 

Learning.

If there’s one thing I have learned in the last year…

It’s where to invest my Love. 

lucky.

I don’t know how or why I am so lucky… 
but I am. Because after all we’ve been through, we have each other now. And the way I felt laying next to you tonight in the silence? Fantastic. being able to feel you next to me, and hear your voice, and see you smile? Incredible.

You’re mine… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

How to tell if someone is REALLY important to you.

I learn a lot of things. Important things. and I have this tendency to find a lot of really important things. I just stumble upon them… like it’s not a big deal.
It totally is a big deal. I just so happened to stumble upon something that I didn’t think would be really important to me… and here’s how I KNOW that it’s suuuuper important to me.

1. I get that silly feeling inside of my stomach when I erase the numbers from my dry erase board.

2. Everyday, I can expect a text in my inbox at some point.

3. Sometimes, I might even text back until 2:30am.

4. Sometimes, I might even text back until 2:30am when I have 8am class the same morning.

5. It’s not just a text based relationship anymore.

6. I never saw it coming.

7. Nobody else did, either….

8. Distance really does make the heart grow fonder… which is a first for me, actually.

9. I haven’t smiled or laughed this much in a while.

10. I’ve never talked to someone for 6 hours straight before, until last night.

11. I’ve never stayed up with someone until 7am… until last night.

12. I never thought super hard about how skype works, but man… it makes you feel a lot closer than you really are.

13. I could care less what people think about this, or how shocking it is… deal with it. (:

14. I’ve never loved someone AND felt so loved back.

15. I added this number just to make it even.

<3

yeah.

The way I feel.

Nothing can stop this. No matter how hard I fight it. No matter how much I deny it. I’ve never felt this way before. I almost can’t believe I feel the way I do, because it just seems really foreign. It seems like this was never possible. I never thought I was deserving of something like this. I thought I was doing everything wrong. That I was flawed in a way that some people were not. That I had this terrible incapability to not be loved, but to love too much. A love that was never returned to me in the ways I gave. Just when everything seemed like it would just continue to follow a pattern of dialogue that would only ever be one-sided… Somehow God gave me you. I am damn lucky. And blessed. And all that other stuff.